You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
