i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
