Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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