I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
