your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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