i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize