I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
