I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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