So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
