Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize
