I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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