If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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