I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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