Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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