smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
We had sex on a dog bed..
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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