When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You are a genius and a whore.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
