I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My vagina is very pro this idea
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
