i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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