I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
