can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
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