I wish my penis had an off switch
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
