Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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