I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
