we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
