What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
