in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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