your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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