Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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