Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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