are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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