theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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