She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I wish there were birth control emojis
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
