I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
