I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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