There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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