I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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