im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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