She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
That was before I lit my hair on fire
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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