You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
