she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
