He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
