somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
