His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
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He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
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Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
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