I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
