I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Success! We fucked roommates!
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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