rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
