if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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