Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Randomize
