Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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