He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
