You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
