Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
