Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
