Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
